Ten Thousand Martians

Ian Flint · 2005-02-16 21:36:33

I'll post some of my work on the above named novel here. I don't know if I'll put it all on the web like RobS or not. I might just post parts that I want to show off or that I need help on.

I've been creating the overall design and structure of my story up until now, but Rob said he wanted to see some of my work. So here goes nothing!

I've already decided to completely change this. It's a first attempt at coherent thought to see how I write. Tear it to shreds like Willard's rats!

Ten Thousand Martians
Chapter I
Returning to the bleachers with his third root beer that afternoon, Mark sat and looked through the humid air across the green field at the white and black monolith. The Goliath rocket sat on the launch pad, poised for another attempt at making history. It carried the first shipment of cargo for the crew that would retrieve it almost three years later. For three days Mark had been sitting in these bleachers, but as it was the Goliath’s first launch, the engineers were being extra careful. Two launches were announced, delayed, and then cancelled. Perhaps number three would be the lucky one. As everyone knew, the Boss didn’t like to take chances, so Mark wasn’t going to get too excited until he actually saw Goliath in the air.
Looking for something to do to pass the time, Mark opened up his laptop and found a news website. He clicked on the latest video report about the launch, interested in how the media was handling the three day delay. It showed a reporter interviewing the CEO of Interplanetary Transportation Inc., Ian Flint. This got Mark’s attention because there was just something about the Boss that at once excited and put a person at ease – something about the passion in his voice, the trustworthiness in his tone.
“Mr. Flint, can you tell our viewers why it’s taking so long to launch your rocket, the Goliath?” asked the reporter somewhat accusingly.
“Well, frankly we could have launched it two days ago with little risk. In fact, most of my engineers advised me to do so,” replied Ian Flint.
“So, what’s the hold up?”
“As I’m sure you know, this is the very first launch of the Goliath rocket. First launches usually get delayed. It is also the biggest rocket ever built and key to our settlement initiative. We don’t want anything to go wrong. I personally called for the delay after hearing reports of a minor problem in our backup guidance system on the third stage.”
“And the second delay?”
“You see, that’s why I’m glad we delayed a little. Yesterday, after a thorough review, we found that the primary guidance system was susceptible to a similar failure, but both have been fixed and we should be on our way to Mars within the hour.”
“Well, there you have it folks, straight from the horse’s mouth,” the reporter said turning to the camera, “get ready to cheer at the liftoff of the first cargo flight for the first permanent colonists of Mars!”
Turning back to her guest the reporter thanked Mr. Flint then asked, “Any closing comments for the millions of viewers watching this historic event?”
“I’d just like to thank all those who have believed that we could do this and who have lent their support to our effort. Today marks the end of a long hard struggle to fund, design, and develop the vehicles for our settlement program. It also marks the beginning of another struggle – the struggle to populate a new world. I want to tell all the young people watching this today, ‘you can live on another planet!’ When I was a child it was just a dream, but it is your future if you want it. On to Mars!”
Mark loved hearing Ian Flint speak. What he said wasn’t that creative or new, but he said it with such feeling!
Sipping on his root beer, Mark browsed through the website’s information about Goliath. There were always corrections to be made, and Mark loved doing it. He found the first mistake almost immediately. They had mixed up the lifting capacity of the Goliath. Instead of listing how much mass it could put into low earth orbit (LEO) as 200 metric tons it had used 106 metric tons – the mass of the vehicle without fuel. He started composing an email to the webmaster immediately. Bad information was just a pet peeve of his.
Half way through his email he heard thunder. Looking up he thought, how can there be thunder on a sunny afternoon? Then he saw everyone in the bleachers on their feet. The Goliath had already cleared the tower and was rising slowly into the sky. He had missed the countdown over the loudspeaker. How could I zone out writing an email, he thought. But, he folded up his laptop and enjoyed the view. The Goliath, painted white and black in the fashion of the old Saturn V, was ten meters wide like the Saturn V, but kept that diameter almost all the way to the top where it smoothly curved into a blunt nose. Strapped to the sides of the rocket were four slender liquid fueled boosters in pairs on either side.
The Goliath seemed too heavy for the four pillars of fire it was ascending on until one remembered the transparent flames of the first stage’s four engines. Angling over the Atlantic, the Goliath thundered ever higher, ever faster toward its destination. In a sudden flurry, all four boosters separated like the opening of a flower’s petals. The rocket continued climbing, dropping the first stage into the sea, followed later by the second. Within minutes the troublesome third stage had put Cargo Zero into an elliptical orbit around Earth.
For hours afterward the crowd of spectators milled about discussing the launch, space, and the future, but Mark had no time for this. Rushing to his new destination, he marveled over the same things the crowd was discussing. He had seen some Ares launches before, and he had seen some Energia launches on the television, but this topped them all. The shear size and power of the Goliath was enough to awe, but the emotional element – this was a colony ship – was what inspired. He knew that it was just a cargo ship, but it was proof that humans were going out into space to stay. It was only two more years until the first settlers would set off to Mars.
Before he knew it, Mark had crossed the field between the bleachers and the launch control facilities. After passing through two security checkpoints he entered the main building. Looking up at the ITI logo, a black and white checkerboard pattern reminiscent of the old Saturn V, he shook his head. Who would have thought that a private company would be the first to send settlers to another planet? Well, he didn’t care who did it; he was just glad to be on board.
As he entered the observation room Ian Flint came over to him immediately. They shook hands and smiled briefly before Mr. Flint rushed him over to a crowd of smiling faces. He was now part of a group of thirty people facing another group armed with cameras.
“I present to you the pioneers of Mars!” Ian Flint announced ceremoniously.
The cameras erupted in waves of flashes and clicks nearly blinding all their smiling targets. This was the thing Mark hated most about being on the team, and it was part of why he had watched the launch from the bleachers. He also liked the bleachers because that’s where he used to watch launches as a kid.
After the pictures all the astronaut settlers talked among themselves until the Boss pulled them away one by one to meet a V.I.P., usually a congressperson or foreign diplomat. While awaiting his turn at company PR, Mark talked to Rosalía Arellano and Vicente Marquez. It was a while before he was called, but finally Mark was pulled aside.
“Me gustaría introducirle a Marcos Morgan,” Ian Flint said in fluent Spanish to the guest at his side.
“Presidente Fuentes, mucho gusto en conocerle,” Mark said recognizing the President of Mexico.

Shaun Barrett · 2005-02-16 23:00:18

I think it's very good; very readable! :up:
It seems to have a little of the Arthur C. Clarke style to it, if you ask me. And that's no bad thing, I suppose, since it didn't seem to do Sir Arthur any harm!

[About three-quarters of the way down, I saw a typo in "The shear size and power of the Goliath was enough to awe .. ".
That should be "sheer", of course.
A very small point, I know, but you did ask for comments.]

clark · 2005-02-18 11:37:58

Well done!

But compliments never get you far when you want to improve...

It will be hard to critique the scene within the overall context of the plot line, so some general comments related to how you might alter this particular piece:

Characterization:

We are introduced to two characters, more or less, who seem to be integral to the scene, and I assume the story line. Since this is chapter one, think of this as the introduction of these people. Think of it like a first date, first impressions matter.

Already the reader can get a sense that Ian Flint is supposed to be larger than life. He should exude charm and charisma. After all, he is the mover and shaker getting the biggest rocket full of colonists and cargo to Mars, right? Perhaps relate some of this magnetism through interactions between Mark and Ian (more than some hand shakes with VIP's).

Next, regarding Mark, to be blunt, he is rather bland. There is no sense of who he is, other than his ability to get distracted by small news details during the largest rocket launch in human history (wouldn't the blast pull him out? The cheers of people as it lifted?) He is willing to live on the bleachers for three days straight, subsisting on soda, just so he doesn’t miss this moment. Either play up his suspense on this moment, and how he misses out (and his feeling of dejection over it), or have him simply lose track of the fundamentals of living as he dedicates himself wholly to witnessing this one particular moment that represents his new future.

Some ideas: Mark gets distracted by other people on the bleachers (I assume he isn't alone during the historic moment) and corrects a misspoken comment about space exploration, Mars, or the rocket. Dialogue instead of him writing off an email.

The Reporter; perhaps build upon this small scene and have her more antagonistic towards the entire endeavor. Present the standard arguments against space colonization/exploration (waste of time, money, wrong priorities); or even present some of the misconceptions of space. This will allow you to show off Ian's ability to handle these hard questions, and the qualities that have won over people to follow his vision.

Last but not least, don't listen to me or anyone, and follow your own instinct.

RobS · 2005-02-18 21:48:30

I can't wait to read the next section! It's interesting and kept my attention. As you can see, developing characters is tricky, as it hooking the plot together. You might want to give some physical description of the people; are they 20 or 50? Blond or bald? Handsome or plain? I don't do much of that, but I need to do more. It also occurred to me that I need to design every scene so that it tells the reader something about the characters, or at least about one of the characters.

And you're putting "yourself" in the story? I have never dared to do that directly. Rather, all my characters have a bit of myself in them.

-- RobS

Ian Flint · 2005-02-20 08:52:14

Thanks for the replies.

Yes clark, I would call what I posted a scribble. Something just to get my thoughts going. I've added a bit of meat to the story along the lines of your suggestions already.

Shaun, since I learned Spanish my English spelling has been pathetic.

Rob, I'm probably going to have a lot of nerds in my story too. I had the character Ian Flint figured out years ago, so I thought I'd use him as my alias.

Ian Flint · 2005-03-06 19:36:56

A quote from my wife after proof reading the first chapter:

"Other than the plot, the whole Mars colonization garbage, and the misogyny, it was pretty good."

Chapter I is up:
http://www.tenthousandmartians.com]www.tenthousandmartians.com

RobS · 2005-03-07 00:27:05

Oh, congratulations! But it's almost 1:30 a.m. here, so I'll have to read it tomorrow.

-- RobS

Ian Flint · 2005-03-07 00:29:12

Go to bed, silly.

clark · 2005-03-07 15:00:35

Well done! Vast improvement over the first run.

So, question, why are you afraid to write females? Every character in that scene was male, except of course the "poor" reporter. :laugh:

Some small points, which are largely irrelevant...

Mark is drinking root beer for three hours... then straigt to the dinner party, being late, getting cleaned up by the british butler... I dunno about your bladder, but... (like I said, irrelevant points)

The butler, british? Sure you want to be so cliche? What about a muttering scottish butler who is damn ugly, unruly, but effecient and effective? Same crutch, different twist.

Have the reporter elbow someone, that'll make her a more strong female character and appease your wife.

Maybe make the Goliath model at the gala an ice sculpture. It is a gala, no?

So I'm guessing that one of the "ten" is going to have an unfortunate accident, and Mr. Mark is going to Mars, ahead of schedule. Love and adventure ensue.

Ian Flint · 2005-03-07 16:24:49

So, question, why are you afraid to write females? Every character in that scene was male, except of course the "poor" reporter.

There will be more women, and strong women. But, I think I am accurate, if a bit chovanistic, in saying, "chicks don't dig space." Look at this forum -- Cindy is the lone female.

I dunno about your bladder, but...

Ooo...ooo...and then I'll write a scene with him wiping boogers on his dashboard, and picking his butt, and scratching himself.

The butler, british?

Hey, I couldn't resist.

So I'm guessing that one of the "ten" is going to have an unfortunate accident, and Mr. Mark is going to Mars, ahead of schedule. Love and adventure ensue.

Damn, now I'll have to rewrite the entire novel! Oh wait, I guess it's not really a who-done-it kind of story, now is it?

Thanks for the comments, clark, and stay tuned for more exciting adventures with Maaaaaark Mooooooorgaaaaaan!!!
And don't forget to drink your Ovaltine, kids.

RobS · 2005-03-11 00:28:38

I enjoyed reading your first installment. I'm not sure what suggestions to give. The opening page or two of a novel is always crucial; it catches the reader's interest, sets the scene, introduces the character, etc. So a few little things in this opening section caused some wonder:

"Alone, on the hood of an old blue station wagon, rested a man." At first I was thinking maybe he was sitting, then I was trying to imagine him laying down--is a hood big enough for that? And laying down, you're looking straight up, so you can't see much around you. So the opening sentence left me puzzled; a bad way to start. But it's probably easy enough to fix.

"Looking across the marsh . . . was the Goliath rocket." Aren't there security guards to chase him away from the dangerous launch zone? An explosion would kill him. If he's far enough away--a very big wetland--then the rocket is a speck to the unaided eye and he should be using binoculars to watch.

How old is Mark? Maybe it's there, but it helps orient the reader, especially when he later learns Mark is a prominent scientist and almost-crew member.

So, Mark watches the launch, then drives away. What's his emotional reaction to the launch? You never said whether he was euphoric, relieved, or what. Does this launch carry equipment he designed? That would give him an emotional attachment to the launch that is stronger than an amateur launch-voyeur's.

I am a bit puzzled. Mark pays someone to be his professional butler? I take it then, he's wealthy, but not from designing Mars life support equipment? And the butler has a clearance to go to a sensitive dinner with the President of Mexico? And he irons Mark's clothes in the doorway while Mark is wearing them? They don't even go to the men's room nearby? He should bring Mark a change of shirt--his would be sweat soaked--and make him put it on. But do we really care that Mark has a butler who is fastidious about his dress; is that a detail we will need later? What does it tell us about Mark? Also, a conversation between Mark and the butler is another golden opportunity to show us Mark's inner workings; his feelings about the launch, his excitement (or boredom) about the reception, etc.

A few questins and thoughts; I hope they help. Sorry it took so long.

-- RobS

Belinda · 2005-03-11 17:19:21

But, I think I am accurate, if a bit chovanistic, in saying, "chicks don't dig space."

This ancient hen does.

I thought it was quite colourful. It would grab the reader even more if it started on Mars then flashed back to the launch, journey etc. Whether it gives the reader the sense of being there will be the test whether it works for me. It also has potential for Jeeves & Wooster-type humour with Mark and his butler. Any chance of the butler coming too?

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