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#1 2005-07-27 18:15:36

srmeaney
Member
From: 18 tiwi gdns rd, TIWI NT 0810
Registered: 2005-03-18
Posts: 976

Re: The Cell

Stephan watched the sun rise over the sea. The freighter was due to enter Darwin harbor within the hour.  He leaned back into the water, the bow of the Wave-rider pointing skywards. The hammering of Tyco drums worked through his headphones.

The Anders Star slowly aligned itself with the headland.
His jet ski was making the slow drift towards Timor.
According to the encoded postcard, this ship was carrying a load of Ford courier vans from Singapore.
Stephan was still invisible to the crew. Twilight and dawn were still the weak points. Stephan pulled the magnetic mines from his backpack and waited for the moment. The wash of the bow pulled the Jet Ski about and Stephan throttled up to match it’s speed.
Riding against the hull, Stephan moved quickly to place the mines along the waterline.
Stephan moved away at speed. There was no point in staying to watch. In minutes the Anders Star would be just another wreck off Vestys point.

It took twenty minutes to hit the surf club at Casuarina beach. The surf bum who had loaned him the Jet Ski the previous night was on the lookout.
     “Where have you been?” demanded Pete. He was nervous for some reason. He was just another fag refugee from Bondi.
     “I was just watching the Sunrise. Chill out.”
     “You were supposed to be back hours ago.”
Stephan flipped out a fifty.
     “Get yourself some petrol and take a ride.” Stephan headed up the beach towards the showers.

A group of young women were doing morning Tai Chi in the park. A number of them watched hungrily as he stripped off to the waist and washed down.
Stephan smiled to himself. He could use this.
In a slow arc, Stephan headed for the car park. His path took him past the girls. Their Uniforms were well fitting.
Apparently they were a women’s hockey team.
Stephan arched his eyebrow inquiringly and one of the team abandoned her exercises for something a little more energetic.
Her name was Cassie. She was twenty three, and very energetic.
The team was getting on their bus when Stephan pulled back to let Cassie off the hood of the Holden. Her bracelet scratched the hood of the car. She gritted her teeth at the sound.
     “Sorry about the car.”
Stephan shrugged it off with a shake of the head.
     “Not my car.” Cassie smiled.
     “Ya-hud Bandu.” Cassie wondered what it meant.
     “What does that mean?” Stephan looked up from her breast.
     “It’s local for ‘great sex’.” Stephan turned away.
He pulled a marker from his bag and scribbled an address on her naked thigh. She looked down. It was somewhere in Fannie Bay.
     “If you want some real excitement, be here tonight at twelve.”
     “Sure.” She dallied for one last kiss. Cassie palmed her underpants and ran for the bus.
The others demanded to know what she was thinking.
     “Ya-hud Bandu.” Cassie sat on her seat with a smug grin and pulled on her underwear in obvious view of everyone else.
     “You bitch.” echoed from around the bus.

Stephan followed the hockey team to the Casuarina shopping complex. This would be the secondary target.
Stephan moved through the open car park next to Woolworths. Their bus sat amongst a cluster of large Toyotas and campervans, all too tall for the underground car parks.
Stephan opened the door and stepped aboard. The team carried their luggage everywhere. It took a while to find Cassie’s sports bag. Her identification tag said the team was from Broome. Stephan noted the address. He pocketed a team pin from her uniform and slipped a detonator and wire cutters into an unused side pocket. Stephan took the opportunity to wipe a small quantity of C-4 through the fabric of the other team member’s sports bags.

It took Stephan a while to reach the top of the high rise car park. Stephan made for the cinema access and, in a gymnastic moment, swung around the steel barrier on to the roof of the shopping centre complex.
Stephan focused on the large access panel in the distance. He could access the gantry above the food court there.

It took some work to penetrate the access panel.
Stephan moved out along the gantry and placed explosive charges at key structural supports. He set the timers for twenty-four hours. Below him the lunch time shoppers milled about.
The aroma of coffee and takeaway wafted upwards. The noise of the horde below him assailed his auditory senses.
Stephan moved back out onto the roof.
The peace of the metal landscape and open sky calmed him. This roof world held a lot of appeal. If it wasn’t for the occasional intruder one could even consider it a way of life.

In the Eatery, Stephan found the fine delicacy of lemon fish and the only large thick-shake worth drinking. He pitied the crowd in McDonalds, lining up for the putrid taste of soy extract.
Stephan sucked on the momentary sweetness of his orange juice thick-shake. The aptly named Sunrise would be sour within seconds.

It was ten p.m. when Stephan penetrated the Surf Club. Pete was energized on coke when he ran into Stephan. The bullet penetrated Pete’s chest. Pete choked on his own blood, struggling for the air that would never come. Stephan closed on the struggling body.
Die. Stephan shot him in the brain.
Stephan opened the doors to the beach Stephan backed the trailer into the water until the Jet Ski floated.

It took half an hour to circle the Northern Suburbs and slip into Darwin harbor. The wreck of the Anders Star sat off the Casino. There was heavy activity all over it. The Scene investigators were still examining the damaged ship. Stephan focused his attention on Fannie Bay. There was a Yacht by the Boat ramp. The rest had gone. Stephan slid up along side the Yacht. The rocking of the Yacht disturbed Geoff Marshall. He staggered out into the main cabin to confront his intruder.
     “What the hell is going on?” Stephan shot him in the brain. Stephan dragged the body into the shower cubical.

It was eleven p.m. when Stephan got to the beach. He rode the Jet Ski onto the sand. Stephan made his way towards the houses.

It was eleven-thirty p.m. when Stephan dragged the Chief Minister’s Security detail into the hedges. The cops had been slow. Their lack of training was obvious. Stephan let himself into the house.
Sue Thorn was restless as she staggered into the hallway in her night gown and flipped the hallway light on. She was having trouble sleeping.
It was a week into her second term as Chief Minister.
Why couldn’t this have happened while the Country Liberal Party was in charge?
The silencer whistled as the bullet hit her in the brain. Sue collapsed in the hallway as brain and blood sprayed the wall behind her.
Stephan turned into the bedroom and took her husband as he struggled awake.
Stephan closed off the hallway and returned to the kitchen. He dropped six explosive packs behind the gas stove and then penetrated the double fridge. There was only quality food here. Stephan liberated two bottles of wine from a shelf before wiring the fridge.

It was midnight when Cassie got to the Fannie Bay address. She had seen it in the paper. This was the Chief Minister’s house.
Stephan stepped out from behind a tree. He was wearing white overalls, gloves, and a mask.
     “Quick. Put these on.” Stephan tossed her a bag. Cassie pulled her skirt off and slipped into the overalls. Stephan felt her up.
     “Stop that. You’re distracting me.”  Stephan smiled.
     “That’s the point.”
     “What are we doing here?” Cassie looked about with concern.
     “There’s a curfew on with that boat that hit that mine.”
Stephan stared into her eyes.
     “I know. We are just here to do some spray painting.” Stephan handed her a spray pack.
Stephan sprayed fluorescent yellow on the brick wall of the house.
     “Go that way and I’ll meet you on the patio.” Cassie smiled and headed along the front of the house.
Stephan moved for the patio.

Cassie took a while before she reached the patio.
Stephan timed it just right as he emerged onto the patio with the wine. Cassie watched as he exited the sliding door.
     “What the hell are you doing?” Stephan licked his lips.
     “Keep your voice down. You’ll wake the neighbors.” Cassie was horrified.
     “Are you fucking insane?”
     “Just getting us some drinks.” Stephan shook his head.
     “Put them back.”
     “You put them back.”
     “Bastard.” Cassie was scared for the first time in her life.
     “Fridge, Left hand side or they will know you were in the house.” Cassie clenched her teeth and swore inwardly.
     “When you get done, I will be heading for the beach for a swim.” Stephan walked off.
This guy was a total bastard. She needed to ditch him as soon as possible. Cassie entered the house and moved slowly through the lounge. It had beautiful furniture. Certainly none of that cheap shit the rest lived with.
Cassie circled the small dining table and moved towards the open-plan kitchen. The fridge was a double door monster with stainless steel shell. Cassie opened the left door. The light was out. She saw the gun on the fridge shelf. There was light.
The explosion shredded the house. Brickwork tore through adjacent houses and rained roof tile across the suburb.
Stephan sheltered behind a footpath shredding Mahogany until the rain of brick and fire was over.
Stephan ran the last two hundred meters and dropped behind a grass embankment. The path there led down to the beach. The Jet Ski was sitting on the sand where he had left it.
Stephan lifted the seat and exchanged the spare handgun for Cassie’s clothes.
Stephan swam for the Yacht anchored just off the boat ramp. Geoff Marshall’s body was still propped up in the shower cubical. Stephan pulled up the anchor and motored out past East Point.
Only when he was clear of the headland, did Stephan raise sail.

Somewhere on the trip to Broome, Jeff Marshall’s body went overboard.

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#2 2005-07-27 18:20:10

srmeaney
Member
From: 18 tiwi gdns rd, TIWI NT 0810
Registered: 2005-03-18
Posts: 976

Re: The Cell

Comments?

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#3 2005-07-27 18:38:03

clark
Member
Registered: 2001-09-20
Posts: 6,348

Re: The Cell

Nice.

Well done, but I do have some points of critique that I think will help you develop the pacing. It moves too quickly. You need to develop several areas, as the skimming style doesn't seem to jive with the overall ending.

I like Stephan. I mean, I hate him, but I do want to see more. You have done an excellent job of creating a villain here.  His monstrosity is intriguing.

I will post more later, when I have had time to absorb the effect. But, from the hip, your beginning is well done, and I can envision what you want to do with the ending. But the middle portions between the two need to be developed.

There are two difficult parts of writing stories that reference these elements, in my experience. One is handling "sex scenes" and the other is telling a story from a point of view without worrying what some might think.

I think you are successful in both instances. However, I know you can make this better. I know you know this.

Despite myself, I want to know more about Stephan, and that is a definite sign you are succeeding in this piece.

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#4 2005-07-27 19:06:56

srmeaney
Member
From: 18 tiwi gdns rd, TIWI NT 0810
Registered: 2005-03-18
Posts: 976

Re: The Cell

Yeah, I know.

A writer must eventually make choices...What needs more, what needs less, and what needs help.

Comments from anyone: Is the Cassie Character beleivable. I wasnt to sure about someone being that easily used.

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#5 2005-08-10 20:58:39

clark
Member
Registered: 2001-09-20
Posts: 6,348

Re: The Cell

Okay, some comments:

I think you should develop Stephan further- perhaps showing him in comparison to other bad guys (maybe some other terroists are trying to do something in the same area, so he has to take out these "amatuers".)

Perhaps demonstrate the cold calculation and enjoyment Stephan gets out of a job well done. He could take his time with some of his victims, which allows you to demonstrate how he approaches his trade.

Take your time in the middle area, before he meets up with Cassie. It seems like Stephan is just running around on a killing spree, which is fine, but he strikes me as more than just a wild maniac- he has a purpose. Show some of the preperation he takes prior to his many attacks (how he cases places, gets the information on movement patterns from seedy people, or just watches from afar).

I think Cassie is good, she doesn't seem to naieve given what we know about her. She really is a minor character in this, so developing her further will require you to establish her more, which detracts from Stephan (and the story is about Stephan).

Just my 2 cents.  big_smile

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