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Generally, as a rule, I don't share much of my work outside of the bounds of space related settings and ideas. Every audience has its favorite show, and I have generally tried to work on my ideas related to space and Mars.
However, there are things one might learn from general fiction, and I wished to share this. If you have any comments at all, please feel free to mention them, or pose a question.
In this piece, there isn't much point in terms of a story, but more in terms of characterization and trying to get the feel of a voice.
Again, feedback welcomed.
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The writing is very good but it leaves too many gaps. Atleast for an entire story. Probably even to many gaps if somone was telling there life story in short. Right from the start I am left to wonder why that was the closest he have came to love? What happened for him to fall in love? What started on a Tuesday? What do you mean his honeymoon went by? Is rachel still married to her sons dad? Why did the kid start calling the guy dady? How long did he stay at Rachels? Where did he stay? What kind of things did they do togther? Is there any other reasons he left?
What I get from this is the main character is some kind of aimless wonder. Kind of like Merseut in that book about existentialism (was it called the ousider?). Except the in the case of this story the main characters acts ambivalence not because he is ambivalent to things but because he is numb from, experienced hardship and feels out of place. The main character is just trying to excape the world he sees around him. If I am completely missing the story forgive me it is late and I read it quickly. Is it a story or part of a story?
It kind of makes me think a little about the movie days and confused. It is been a while since I saw that movie so I don't rember it that well. I think I found it kind of pointless when I saw it but I guess that was the point. A lot of people really liked that movie.
Perhaps you could build a story around the story like in the ousider, Merseut was going though a trial, yet the focus of the book was not really about the trial but the existential view of life.
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Not sure where this story should end. I have this perhaps corny/depressing ending. Perhaps, the character could end up getting liver disease, and start drinking more causing him to get fired from his job. As he shivers perhaps under a bridge with the first snow falling of the year his final thoughts could be. Such a cold and empty night, if these blankets could brig me worth they still wouldn't bring me comfort. The last drop of vodca could then touch his lips. To be forever out of it , to never feel alone and unloved. This exlixer that has been my comfort will soon be my end. Never have I been so cold, Never have I been so alone. I am empty of food and sole. On this cold hard concrete I must rest, but it feels so soft and warm.
A relaxing comfort then comes over the character as he thinks, "I had some love". Some wondrous love. Had I had the courage to grab it and the strength to hold onto it could have faced this world. Had I lost it could I have made it this long. To have truly lived and been torn down, shattered a desolate sole fallen from expectations untold. I had no courage without the bottle and no one I could truly open up to. I was alone by choice. My strength, My heart of stone. This concrete is like me, void of warth, and weathered by time. To me it is comfort and now my peace.
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